This is going to be a quick one — the idea is that I don't want to forget this thought.

Alas, I woke up this morning with this thought in mind:

Who am I?

That is supposed to be what the hell is I? As in I, the pronoun.  Who am I, to put everything after me? You know like?

I love you; I am (verb); I think; I, I, I; I this; I that;

What lies behind that I, what exactly is it? How exactly do you start defining it.  I bet you nobody on the planet can truly and completely tell who they are.  So, why this obsession with self?

The first thing you learn in Buddhism is letting go of the idea of self, the I, the conceited idea of self — ain't nothing more selfish than describing yourself.

But, then again, how does one survive this maze of existence without being and acknowledging that existence?

I (ironic huh?) think the minute one places that pronoun before everything else, that in itself implies whatever the meaning of 'I' is now, is in the past, it is no longer what you are after you say it.

The I, is almost a snap-shot of what you can say about yourself at that moment in time — an opinion is only an expression of a thought.

Wait, then, just, maybe thats exactly what the I is, a collection of thoughts of what you are, maybe.

Meditate on this, I will.

Wow, I just realised the last time I wrote was on the 11th of June.  Strange how time has flown by, infact, this year is on a marathon, yo!

Anywhoo, I don't fully understand this phenomena:

everytime I drop a new website (in this case STUDIO83) I get depressed.  I don't mean depressed like Kurt Kobain, but I feel drained, tired, even though I haven't done anything after the launch.

alas, that is where I am --- and I need to find energy to work another project, pronto (due end of week).

I am hoping after this project --- I'll ge time to drop a new design to this here (blog?).

and I also want to go on a marathon of just posting new stuff as I go along, without thought --- I think too much.

But, here is what is disturbing me, two people in a space of 1 hour who were not in the same space, said this, about me:

you are predictable.

I don't quite like that --- but I guess its true, at least of how I am percieved.  We have to work on that, a man my age (and thats another thing disturbing me) cannot be predictable.

in 8 years I'll be 40 years old.

I am not happy with that at all.

the murdering. the suffering.

So, Déjà vu.

What happens after, you? I am not talking about mortality.  What happens after you have become you?  You know that silly thing they tell us when we are little:

You can be all you want to be?

When one is young, it makes sense, hell you want to be all you can be, all you want to be?  BUT, why would you want to be?

Wait, nearly lost the plot.  Here is a line I lifted off, Zeitgeist (paraphrased caused I am lazy to transcribe)

Now that I am 32 years old, I realise that I've been listening to people telling me what I could become.  So I spent most of my younger years being anything I could be, except myself.

and that is the crux of this.

What happens after you've become all those things you wanted to become, surely in the plans (dreams I think we call them) you have in your mind you don't achieve these things 2 minutes from death, you achieve them at a time where you can enjoy the fruits, no?

So, what if (yes, a postulation) you decide now (or rather through a (mis)fortunate sequence of events) to become who were from birth?  Is that even possible? Are we defined at birth or undefined?

I am beginning to suspect, that all my fears, are actually the things propelling my dreams.  I suspect, I have ran and got lost in my dreams that, I'll follow any dream through as long as it keeps me far from the fears.

But, I do think my fears, tend to last longer than any dream I have, and when I really look at my fears they are not scary things that depend on time, but things that I ought to be doing anyway.

So, like I said, Déjà vu.

I have been here before.  A few days ago, I had one.  It has been months since I had one.  It felt good. I love déjà vus (what's the plural of déjà vu?).

but, I think this time, I will succumb to being what I am already.  We shall seek no more, unless I am proven wrong, yet again, who I am truly.

Okay, let me give you a proper transcription of that thing I paraphrased, I still like my translation, though :)

I think I spent 30 years of my life, in the first 30 trying to become something. I want to become good at things; I wanna become good at tennis; I wanna become good at school; and grades; and everything I kinda viewed in that perspective; If I', not okay with the way I am, but if I got good at things [pause] I realised I got the game wrong.  The game was to find out who I already was.

Okay, it is better.

... and they shall remain that.

*LMAO!

*ps: there is more than 30, ;-)

1ove, humour.