I have been contemplating about that thing, you know that thing? Surely I don't make sense, huh?  Le me explain:

I believe each and every one of us, has the in-built ability to do one specific thing to the T, that we are not aware we are doing, but we know it's done, and nobody else can say they 'know what you are doing'?

*ps: I am talking about matters of the heart (in case the silly quoted paragraphs does not make sense).

I know what I do, do you?  I am coming to terms with my 'little-evil-secrete' (and not it's not phallic) ---  there is this thing I do when it comes to the women I know, especially, the woman that I want --- I've seen myself do it over and over again, I don't think it's a good thing.

I think I am going to have to tell 'em all, what it is it that I do --- come to 'reflect' on it, I realised it's not a good quality on my part --- its quite deceitful --- but it's so subtle so the girls/women never know when it's done.

Either I am onto something, or these painkillers got me confessing some ish, I shouldn't.

*pours water, pops more pills.

I remember when I young, okay, when I was a child, grade 3 or something our gymnastic teacher used to repeat some limerick, over and over again.

It went something like this:

those that know they know not [something something something ] and those that think they know not but know not [something something ]

I had a conversation with my brother, early this morning (2am or so) and I was telling him I was getting annoyed by some young fellow who seems to lack the intellectual capacity to see the error of what he does.

and I came to this conclusion:

It is better to know what you do not know, than not knowing what you do not know

What that means, is, if you think you know something and you are not aware that you do not know it, how will you know what you are hearing (or reading, or seeing) is something you should know?

It will go over your head (as the metaphor goes) --- but if you are aware that you do not know something, it will present itself as 'new knowledge' and if I am right, no one can fight the mind in trying to learn something new, it's almost automatic, right?

Alas, in closing:

Don't people reflect on the work they do anymore?  Don't people try to make sense of what it is they have created?

Without reflection, how do you know you have 'created' anything, at all?

I need coffee, good morning.

It has been, roughly 3 years since that day I made a decision to give it all up. To give up everything that is not attached to self.  To be self, without anything else.

But,

In there was the fallacy.  The illusion probably, that if a mind can free of everything else material, it is truly free.

It is not.

It is not the mind that should be freed of everything else, but it should be free of itself.

Huh? 

Let me explain, through analogy and reference.  It is easy for a person to say they are not materialistic (I hope by saying this, the argument is NOT centred around 'materialism').  It is easy to give up your job, it is easy not be seduced by money, it is easy not to be driven my emotion.

What is not easy, is to be free of what you define as being who you are.  I think (herewith is my realisation) the driving force behind everything one does is that definition of self, that thing you refer to when you start saying: I; I am; I can; I will; I dream; I want; I wish; etc.

What is, I?

So, whilst walking back home today, I had a thought, that even though I have given up everything I had: money, car, house (well, an apartment), job, love (yep love, [insert deity of choice] knows I have, not once, but thrice), I have not truly given up the one thing that is the source of my discontent.

That thing, that denies me of the experience of this life, denies me of a chance to hear and understand another opinion, that thing that 'gets in the way' of things that need to be done, or should be done.

That thing, is I.

I, think I should not be I. (I'm am trying to keep this short, so bare with me)

I think, I have been myself for way too long, I think it's time I try something (or someone :-) else.  Hell, if there is only take at this life, I might as well enjoy it, by being as many things as I can.

Well, at the same time, this is also inline with my current Buddhist training, so, we will see where it all ends.

 

Have you seen that tv series called, Taken?  There was a boy who had the ability to make you realise all your dreams and fears at one take, one moment.

I am slowly, regaining the art of meditation, it's not easy, the absolute desire to reach that moment of clear thought, that are not biased, driven by desire, to have thought that is pure, without justification for existence is not easy.

Why meditation? You know when Master Yoda says,

Be mindful of your thoughts.

That is what meditation is to me.  To be aware of a thought, to understand why that thought exists, not why you think you should think it, if that makes sense.

I am of the school of thought that, "every thought we have, is derived from our own ego, but we never question the thought, we accept to be."

But, my meditation has taken a different turn that I had not anticipated, everytime I meditate well for the past 3 days or so, I seem to have a single overriding theme,

My fears

I am re-living (in thought) all my fears and honestly accepting that, yes, there are things I fear.  I  manage to deal with one two days ago and that fear, was the fear of loosing my muse.

I am now content that, I have lost her and I will be okay.  It was a hard pill to swallow, my mind has fantasied about being with her, again, but such is not the reality of this life.

But, then again, I am not done meditating.  I would truly enjoy it if my meditation was to focus on something as good as, my dreams, but it appears my mind is more focused on the fears that derail my dreams.

Fear it is, till the next thought.