… and again music is soul.

I wish I didn't feel it
I know it just ain't right
But it seems to pop up in my head
Morning, noon, and night
I just can't release it
The memory of you
Mama never told me
Love would leave me so damn blue

1ove, melancholy.

You, know — they don't make music like the used to.  I know that sounds old.  Here I am listening to Sarah McLachlan's Angel:

… spend all your time waiting, for that second chance. For a break that will make it okay.  There is always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day.

… I need some distraction, oh beautiful release, memory seep from my veins. Let me be empty and weightless and may I'll find some peace tonight.

… and the words are absolutely perfect — if you remember the show The Pretender, that was the first I heard it. It was also on that movie with Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan: City of Angels.

1ove, melancholy.

Here is a quick thought or observation (if you will).

the multitudes of thoughts and dreams (or nightmares) that come with not telling somebody you love them are worse than the pain of knowing, for a fact, the person you love does not love you.

… I think, if you have not told that person, you mind wonders in two possibilities simultaneously:

1. you tell them and they love you too
2. and you tell them and they don't.

So, if you let them know how you feel, you will know which of the two it is — and thus the misery (or joy) is one of the two and not both.

In theory, anyway.

Good morning, it is morning.  I've been waking up just before the sun rises these past couple of days (except yesterday).

Strangely, if I wake up after the sun has risen, I am less productive than if I wake up before it does.  Something special about a natural-organic alarm clock, its a peaceful wake-up clock. 

You know what, everytime an alarm rings my heart skips a beat, in fact, I generally have my phone on silent, the sudden ringing does the same to my heart, which I am assuming in the long run it ain't good for my heart.

A lot of things are not good for my heart, a lot.  Which is why it is better not to feel a thing, emotions are detrimental to my heart.

I still find it amazing that an emotion can actually be felt physically through the heart, even though emotions are all in the mind. 

I like that, the body manifesting an intangible entity.

Oh, just after I wrote that post yesterday, I found out that my sister is starting her own Law Firm (the firm baby, volume 2!).  Which most likely means, I'd have to get shit moving quicker by April or I will have to take an early retirement and get me a good paying job, to support my sister in her new venture.

I believe, I have done quite a bit for my family, but the minute I go downstairs to make coffee I get that overwhelming feeling that I have not done anything.  In fact I think I have done more for people outside of my family than I have for my family.

As gratifying it might to have aided people in realising their dreams, it is quite upsetting that none of them are family.  That must change.  In fact, I need to find my Buddhist book, I haven't seen it since I moved back.

I need to still this mind — then train it to focus on one thing and one thing only: family.

Err, so why the elephant in the room? (I love this metaphor, by the way: it is simple as it is visual, I mean: how can one ignore an elephant in the room? how the hell did it get to be in room? can you imagine somebody trying to smuggle an elephant? LOL).

… back to the elephant.  Not a waking minute do I not think of her, not one, but I think now I understand it, I understand that phrase: unrequited love.

… but, I am good.  That realisation is what I needed, now we start rebuilding that proverbial Cancerian shell.  If I was a crab, I'd say in the past 8 weeks I'd been turned upside down with my 'belly' exposed, but we are swinging (left to right) till we catch enough momentum to back on all eight.

Whoever said: it is better to have loved than to have not loved at all, has only imagined what love is.

'till the next (soapie) episode.