archive :01.2 :6
  1. 01

    In the end

    It has been, roughly 3 years since that day I made a decision to give it all up. To give up everything that is not attached to self.  To be self, without anything else.

    But,

    In there was the fallacy.  The illusion probably, that if a mind can free of everything else material, it is truly free.

    It is not.

    It is not the mind that should be freed of everything else, but it should be free of itself.

    Huh? 

    Let me explain, through analogy and reference.  It is easy for a person to say they are not materialistic (I hope by saying this, the argument is NOT centred around 'materialism').  It is easy to give up your job, it is easy not be seduced by money, it is easy not to be driven my emotion.

    What is not easy, is to be free of what you define as being who you are.  I think (herewith is my realisation) the driving force behind everything one does is that definition of self, that thing you refer to when you start saying: I; I am; I can; I will; I dream; I want; I wish; etc.

    What is, I?

    So, whilst walking back home today, I had a thought, that even though I have given up everything I had: money, car, house (well, an apartment), job, love (yep love, [insert deity of choice] knows I have, not once, but thrice), I have not truly given up the one thing that is the source of my discontent.

    That thing, that denies me of the experience of this life, denies me of a chance to hear and understand another opinion, that thing that 'gets in the way' of things that need to be done, or should be done.

    That thing, is I.

    I, think I should not be I. (I'm am trying to keep this short, so bare with me)

    I think, I have been myself for way too long, I think it's time I try something (or someone :-) else.  Hell, if there is only take at this life, I might as well enjoy it, by being as many things as I can.

    Well, at the same time, this is also inline with my current Buddhist training, so, we will see where it all ends.

     

  2. 02

    Destiny

    When I was less than 10 years old, all I wanted to be is a pilot.  When I grew past 10 years, I put that idea to rest and aim to be a robotics engineer (and this was when I was just about 13 years old).

    Those plans changed as time moved on, from engineer to scientist, which is what I am, well, that is what my discipline is, right now.

    What I actually do and what I have designed myself to become is not the same thing.

    I honestly believe, I could be a doctor, a lawyer, an architect (I plan to do that someday), pilot, any field of engineering, a photographer (professional that is).

    Problem is, there is at best 65 years of life to live, in 7 weeks, I will have the last remaining 35 years to do something with this life.

    I was thinking,

    maybe I'll get myself a real job, a 9-5; marry the object of my affection; have 2.5 kids; move to a little cluster home in Lonehill; with a picket fence in a gated community; own two cars (a hatch-back and a station wagon); Organise braai's to drink beer with my friends when my children achieve something (like get older, or walk, or say the word, 'papa');  Attend weddings at least 4 times a year; Scheme myself into a BEE deal; buy my second house in Plaat; drive down with the kids every December to get away from it all; 

    or

    maybe push harder at this business; spend more time with friends; spend more time with my object of affection; take more photographs; design more site; build grow; starve myself for a ticket to Stockholm+Ibiza+Tokyo+Rio; starve myself for a vespa; ignore my debt; in short, continue dreaming this is a life worth living, although it's worth nothing;

    or, do nothing at all. 

  3. 03

    Post Mortem

    So you die, well, we will all die, right? So, when people ask, 'how would like to be remembered?' How can I possibly qualify that to answer that question, when I am no more.

    That is not what I wanted to write, my thoughts are on something else immortal.

    You see, comrade, I am trying to understand. If you spend time with a person (preferebly a lover) and you call that person the love of your life, because in and out, through and through, (s)he is what it is that is (you know what I mean, we all have different definitions to that other person that is absolutely (at the time) perfect for you), then the two (we hope) of you are no more.

    How possible is it to believe that as time takes its toll that the two of you are actually, no more. See I am of the school of thought that, to find somebody like that in the first place, completes you (ohhh, did I just use Jerry McGuire(f7)), then in time you will find somebody else, and they too will complete you, but I think they all complete different things about you.

    So, as time takes it's toll, how do you actually, love when you are in all honestly in love with a number of people, differently, and letting go is not an option, these people are fantastic people, albeit their not being that with you.

    I am not saying I am there, a friend of a friend's cousin's friend wanted to know.

    *lox around. 

  4. 04

    a few words

    Take me to the water, to be baptised - Nina Simone

    These words and their melody, are my soul.

     

  5. 05

    Do it.

    Do it. Just do it (hello, Nike!).  Just bloody do it. Do it now, don't do it tomorrow, do it now, right now, do not wait for everything to fall in place, just do it now.  Do not wait for the perfect moment, just do it now, do it! do it! do it!

    Do it for money.  Do it for all the money you will make and not the least you can make, but for all the money that is for the taking and all that is borrowed.  Do it for all the money that will buy you rare fish eggs that you drip on your body and get some groupies to lick them off cause you are allergic to them.  Do it for all the money that will buy you power to influence policy, to influence power, to influence others to do it just the way you did it.

    Do it for fame.  Do it for recognition.  Do it for all the billboards that will put a image of you flying high in the Himalayas with a three Caucasian females.  Do it for all the little girls that will screem your name when they see you.  Do it for the boys that would be say,ing 'ja no auti ele e ntswembo, ke ngakara!  Do it for all the generations that will fit your name in the same category as 'coke' and 'okay'.  Do it for all the groupies that would do anything to be seen with you. 

    Do it for power.  Do it for power, do it for power to control and own other people's time.  Do it for all the power that is to be had, to the point where you start taking, forcefully, other people's power.  Do it for all the power to the point where everybody fears you, not because you might kill them, but because they are powerless.  Do it for the power to instil fear every time you doubt something or someone.  Do it for the power it takes to instill a new regime, put stock markets into a recession because you don't like the colour of your shoes.

    Do it for all the wrong reasons justified by the all the right reasons, so you become an enigma.  Do it for all the reasons that don't make sense, like diverting your private jet to the middle of the Atlantic ocean and demand that the pilot hover for an hour because you need to clear your mind.  Do it for all the reasons stated above and reject them all as not who you are because if you were to do something for anything it will be because you already do have all these reasons.

    Do it for faith, do it for belief. Do it because of the fear of failure.  Do it because you have faith you will fail, but failure strengthens your belief that you have faith.  Do it because as far everybody else is concerned you are a walking, talking, thinking, laughing, mutha-fucken contradiction.  Do it because you have dreamt about doing it for so long, that your life is now the dream.  Do it because you are tired of dreaming, you want to start living outside of the dream.

    Remember, always press the red button, because that is how things get done.

    * my lower back is killing me. 

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