They say, you must do one thing that scares you everyday.

… today I did just that.

… now, here is my dilemma: I am more afraid of the consequences (or lack thereof) of what I just did.

… alas it is done.  But, here is a question I have.  If you are to live by that mantra, then my question is (or rather a statement):

there are 365 days in a year — how many things scare you?

I'd like to think the older you get, less things scare you, no?  In fact one should not be afraid of a lot of things — it's a terrible way to live, no?

Now we wait and see what the world with throw at me for being bold;  I am sure there are reasons why some things should never be done:

safety in familiarity.

We shall see in front.

of what I was going to write about next.

but I got interrupted, I am still interrupted, I am waiting for the interruption to end, then maybe I'll remember.

but, whilst I am here with a mind thats running around in thoughts, I might as well, write something about whatever.

hmmm,,, I got nothing, this interruption is rather more powerful than I thought.

Oh, here is a thought that crossed my mind yesterday:

what is your darkest fear?

that thing you fear the most? does it change over time? or does it get worse over time?

I have realised that with me, it gets worse over time, gets scarier over time.

no amount of pseudo-intelligent-dr-phil-esque-bite-size wisdom can shake the fear off.

I am hoping, through meditation, I can fight it.

the murdering. the suffering.

So, Déjà vu.

What happens after, you? I am not talking about mortality.  What happens after you have become you?  You know that silly thing they tell us when we are little:

You can be all you want to be?

When one is young, it makes sense, hell you want to be all you can be, all you want to be?  BUT, why would you want to be?

Wait, nearly lost the plot.  Here is a line I lifted off, Zeitgeist (paraphrased caused I am lazy to transcribe)

Now that I am 32 years old, I realise that I've been listening to people telling me what I could become.  So I spent most of my younger years being anything I could be, except myself.

and that is the crux of this.

What happens after you've become all those things you wanted to become, surely in the plans (dreams I think we call them) you have in your mind you don't achieve these things 2 minutes from death, you achieve them at a time where you can enjoy the fruits, no?

So, what if (yes, a postulation) you decide now (or rather through a (mis)fortunate sequence of events) to become who were from birth?  Is that even possible? Are we defined at birth or undefined?

I am beginning to suspect, that all my fears, are actually the things propelling my dreams.  I suspect, I have ran and got lost in my dreams that, I'll follow any dream through as long as it keeps me far from the fears.

But, I do think my fears, tend to last longer than any dream I have, and when I really look at my fears they are not scary things that depend on time, but things that I ought to be doing anyway.

So, like I said, Déjà vu.

I have been here before.  A few days ago, I had one.  It has been months since I had one.  It felt good. I love déjà vus (what's the plural of déjà vu?).

but, I think this time, I will succumb to being what I am already.  We shall seek no more, unless I am proven wrong, yet again, who I am truly.

Okay, let me give you a proper transcription of that thing I paraphrased, I still like my translation, though :)

I think I spent 30 years of my life, in the first 30 trying to become something. I want to become good at things; I wanna become good at tennis; I wanna become good at school; and grades; and everything I kinda viewed in that perspective; If I', not okay with the way I am, but if I got good at things [pause] I realised I got the game wrong.  The game was to find out who I already was.

Okay, it is better.

Before I begin this year, let me tell you how I started this year.

In every fear, lies a wish to realise that fear.

Paraphrased (just the way I like it) from the film Edmond.

That single quote, allowed to me to survive the first few days of anxiety of the year, the results have been good.

I will return with a few things, I've learnt over the celebrated holiday.