Good morning, it is morning.  I've been waking up just before the sun rises these past couple of days (except yesterday).

Strangely, if I wake up after the sun has risen, I am less productive than if I wake up before it does.  Something special about a natural-organic alarm clock, its a peaceful wake-up clock. 

You know what, everytime an alarm rings my heart skips a beat, in fact, I generally have my phone on silent, the sudden ringing does the same to my heart, which I am assuming in the long run it ain't good for my heart.

A lot of things are not good for my heart, a lot.  Which is why it is better not to feel a thing, emotions are detrimental to my heart.

I still find it amazing that an emotion can actually be felt physically through the heart, even though emotions are all in the mind. 

I like that, the body manifesting an intangible entity.

Oh, just after I wrote that post yesterday, I found out that my sister is starting her own Law Firm (the firm baby, volume 2!).  Which most likely means, I'd have to get shit moving quicker by April or I will have to take an early retirement and get me a good paying job, to support my sister in her new venture.

I believe, I have done quite a bit for my family, but the minute I go downstairs to make coffee I get that overwhelming feeling that I have not done anything.  In fact I think I have done more for people outside of my family than I have for my family.

As gratifying it might to have aided people in realising their dreams, it is quite upsetting that none of them are family.  That must change.  In fact, I need to find my Buddhist book, I haven't seen it since I moved back.

I need to still this mind — then train it to focus on one thing and one thing only: family.

Err, so why the elephant in the room? (I love this metaphor, by the way: it is simple as it is visual, I mean: how can one ignore an elephant in the room? how the hell did it get to be in room? can you imagine somebody trying to smuggle an elephant? LOL).

… back to the elephant.  Not a waking minute do I not think of her, not one, but I think now I understand it, I understand that phrase: unrequited love.

… but, I am good.  That realisation is what I needed, now we start rebuilding that proverbial Cancerian shell.  If I was a crab, I'd say in the past 8 weeks I'd been turned upside down with my 'belly' exposed, but we are swinging (left to right) till we catch enough momentum to back on all eight.

Whoever said: it is better to have loved than to have not loved at all, has only imagined what love is.

'till the next (soapie) episode.

It is becoming a reoccurring scenario – there is no electricity, again.  Two nights in a row.  It is quite upsetting, considering I have tasked myself with quite a lot of work to be done by end of January.

This (lack of power) might make me consider moving out of mom's house, again.  I am not keen on renting a flat, I want a house, free-standing.

But, the upside is that I am writing again on this here book.  So the power cuts are good for something – even though I have two hours of battery life I am not keen to do any work that I won't finish properly.

Wait, I just got a thought:

… this lack of power is quite symbolic.  I could infer it to that love situation I am dealing with.

But, I am on that last phase of love, when it fades.  The only good thing about being a Cancerian is that, we know how to make love fade away:

we know how not to love (well at least to never, ever, again feel that emotion).

The catch is that it will take another 5 more years to wear down these walls that I am efficiently, silently and painfully building.

*but then again, that is only a catch if I matter.

(moving right along)

I know I have said I want to retire by the age of 35 (which gives me 3 years before that happens).  I am no longer sure of that:

if the current state of affairs at home: as in the entire family (including extended family members) stays the same by the time I hit 35.

My retirement will be from self-employment into full-time employment.  There is no way my family can be at the same state it was in when I entered this world, by the time I die.

… these degrees I hold and the experience I have should amount to something that my family can benefit from.

It is a fantastic thing to realise your true passion/potential and try to exploit it, but, it is another thing to realise that in-fact that potential can be maximised if another path is chosen.

I believe, a path chosen is only a path chosen.

I will have to reflect on that.