z.

How often does one come to realise that:

the dream is dead.

this marks my first time.

All I dreamt about yesterday, was what I was going to say today, right here, right now.  The dialogue in my mind was clearer when I was trying to sleep than it is now, when I am trying to deal with the reality of it.

at the core of my monologue (thoughts are monologues no?) was the realisation that, even after all:

money is the root of evil.

and I mean evil not in biblical sense of the word, but evil in that it is not good.  I'd like to think all my ideas were inherently good or trying to do good.

when I was just about 22 years old, my mother said to me:

all your problems [lebogang] are easily solved with money.

and that is very true.  I am in this situation because I do not have the funds to keep the dream alive.  The irony is, I will have the capital come July to continue the dream, but it will die for at least a month.

some would say, maybe its time for another dream to rise.  Well I say:

Fuck it, I'm done (a80b6fb098a5627be3dea7097f300f0d1be5093e)

I spoke to my sister, she says I need to take June off.  I think I will do that.  If after that I am still interested and still keen on this dream, we shall create it.

I would be lying if I said this dream has been fun, it has made me a worse person than I was when I started, at least then I had the drive, resolve and passion to do whatever and I believed it, but now I am man who has come to realise dreams die.

ain't that a bitch.

What is this dream?  A few words explain it better than I can put it to words:

1. Gusto Projects / Gusto
2. Studio83
3. HIPPnotic
4. 75
5. 157
6. ttby
7. HALF
8. Osiris
9. Seed (not alivé)

don't get me wrong --- none of these ideas will die, because of my current state --- if and when I do return and still believe in the dream we will continue.

I will not be leaving this dream to seek employment (fuck that).  I will continue running my business, 2LMN R+D, I still need to eat, sleep and be clothed.  I have not lost my mind, I have lost only a dream.

Maybe, just maybe, it may be that I need to reflect on all this that is about to happen, and see just maybe, I may be a different person with more interest in the dream than I am now.

1ove, (un) done.

oh mother of --- its mother --- hot.  I can't work smoothly, mouse all sticky (and no! I'm not going through porn).  I can't sleep, can't open the windows --- them thugs jacked my ish whilst a window was open and I was sleeping. Not cool.

I am re-designing GUSTO --- I like what it looks like now, but it's only form and not functional.   So, I'm working on a newer interface --- trust me, it will make sense then.

I know I write mostly of the work I do, but hey, what can I say, it's my soon to be bread and butter.  I am also thinking of re-doing this journal/book --- this look is tired.

I'm listening to some CD somebody told me it's dope, dam it, this shit is wack --- I don't like house music with 'piano' strings on it, couple with a lot of melodic-singing --- not inspiring.  I find myself getting frustrated for no reason when the music playing is kak.

Alas, switching to my 'dope' playlist.

Dam, I hope I finish GUSTO by end of the week, I don't think I'll have the time to do it after that.  Mr S83 approved the design for his magazine, it should launch on Monday/Tuesday, it will, it should, it might.

After them (S83 + GUSTO) I dive into 75, on the 19th of April it will be turning 1 year old --- and dam, I got news for ya on 75 --- alas, we wait till it's re-designed (I've finished the re-development though).

Till tomorrow, assuming I sleep.

Ah, did nothing this weekend --- just worked.  It's amazing, managed to build Studio83 from scratch and finish the application in 12 hours.

Started working on the design --- one more 'wireframe' to complete then I send it to George to approve --- actually he has no choice --- I don't plan to work on S83, until HALF is re-done --- HALF has the least priority on my todo list.

I quite like the design work for S83 (ps: that underscore is wack) ---

I can't wait to start working on 75.Gamma --- I've decided to start managing my time better, on weekends I work on 'investment (read: non-paying) projects' and during the week I do the bread+butter.

and dam it, do I have a lot of 'possible' projects (paying).  Although that is good, I choose my projects wisely, or rather chosing my clients wisely ---

in as much as the client evaluates my credentials and ability to deliver the work they want, I do the same

--- if you ain't got a budget, keep my number and only use it when you do.

I'm looking forward to this week --- only because it would mean my count down will be less 5 days --- big tings going down in 16 days, word to moms!

I got a bit of that S83 to complete --- till tomorrow.

and no, I am not going to say it's thousand and great --- I find the phrase too cheesy for the potential this year has --- this year is that year.

Cast that stone --- the phrase came to mind as I was typing.

This year. Will be one of the corner stone years, that one will look back on half way down the line and say,

those 3 to 5 years of doing this and that have amounted to this year.

I am mad inspired, feeling good, feeling great.  I am mad excited about the (n). project.  I am mad loving 75, more so what people feel about it, it's bloody awesome.

I am excited about the prospects of Studio83 (even though Gorgeous don't listen), I am more excited that S83 has now allowed me to work on the design (the web site that is), don't get me wrong KOTN did mad justice to it --- amma just elevate it.

Gusto, live your life with it. Word to moms.  As I type this, I am 30% percent done with it --- I can't seem to get  to the end, can't wait to finish it --- it will change what we call 'blogging'.

A few minutes ago, I was rolling with Umdabu --- listened to his 3rd un-released album --- mad ideas happened in 10 minutes --- I am excited about that.  ICE+BLOK Sessions are now truly going to happen, I've just found the soundtracks for the sessions, word to moms!

Last night, I was with Sizzla The Kingrat --- he has silkscreen equipment, you know what that means, that illusive t-shirt dream called Apara, Skippa, is now starting to clear itself into reality.

This state of mind, is all because of a young woman I spoke to just before I left for Cape Town.  I said to her, the reason why most of the things I want to do never get done is because life gets in the way.

She replied:

... then you need to get rid of the life that gets in the way of the life you want to live.

Amen, Sister.