Hello.

I am afraid to write anything — I have been afraid, for a month now.  I no longer trust what this mind is contemplating.

Seriously,

I fear how far it is willing to go — deeper and deeper into the darkness, the proverbial abyss.

So, instead of compiling words with extreme angst and disillusions, I'd rather wait, until I am able to tame this mind into not affecting my state of being through it's rampant thoughts.

I know, it sounds pseudo-quasi-emo, but, that's what it is, at the least in these parts of the mind.

Breathe.

Yes, yesterday (July 15th) was my birthday.  I know what you thinking:

didn't we celebrate your birthday like last month or two months ago?

Yes, we did.  See, I was running a social experiment. I told (via twitter, facebook and word of mouth) everybody that it was my birthday on two other days:

• 15th of May
• and 15th of June (I do consider myself a Gemini)

Why would I do such a thing? Well two reasons:

1. How social are these social networks? When the same people, still, wish you happy birthday on two wrong dates (separated by a month)?
2. Secondly, I never celebrate my birthday.

The second is probably more important:

I am not a being to be celebrated. I am not  important.

I am of the hope that, I will lurk in the background of existence, causing ripples, but never be the tsunami.

Alas, in the past 20 years or so, I am always with my mother, grandma and/or sister.  These are truly, the only women (most likely the only people) that understand what it was for me to be born, I'd rather celebrate them on my birthday.

Alas, I am 33 years old.

40, be knocking.

I have a friend you likes saying:

ka SePedi bare …

then he inserts an English metaphor. I like that.

That is exactly what I want to do, ka SePedi bare:

… life happens whilst you are making plans.

That is the truth, that is what I find solace in.  I rarely achieve any of my long term goals/plans — even mid-term goals are hard to achieve, but give me a short-term plan, I swear ka Mme waka, I will achieve it (assuming it is possible).

Surely, the text books don't agree with this, we are constantly told to have a plan, a dream, a goal, I agree with them, but I do not agree on the idea that is has to be attained. We may wish to have it realised, but, it ain't going to be easy:

… why set yourself up for failure?

So, I have a long term goal:

… travel the world.

I like that goal. It says nothing about emotions nor when it has to be done, but it can only be achieved by constantly doing it in small parts:

… go here, go there, come back, move there, come back …

I have stopped teaching. I no longer find myself wanting to "teach" anybody — and I think that will reflect on this here book:

I will write thoughts without need, want or agenda.

/word

I am always amazed at how the heart (yes, the organ) has the ability to reflect that emotion (yes, love).  It does not make sense to me, you know, like when you feel like screaming, your mouth doesn't start acting all weird on you …

Alas, I have moved to Cape Town (if you didn't know).  I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be, for now, for tomorrow, but not for ever, my heart wants to take me somewhere, else, which I don't know yet.

Wait, back to that heart — I have this feeling, this idea, this emotion I get when I see certain imagery, that gets my mind dreaming of where I need to be, then like:

Ka-POW!

My heart starts beating stronger, not faster, but stronger, almost like (assuming you have owned a pet before) when you start pouring food onto your cat's/dog's bowl: that physical excited reaction they do waiting and knowing that this is exactly what they need.

I can't explain it better than that — I have it, I yearn for that feeling everytime, when that dream crosses my mind.

I should chase it — although, I don't believe in chasing dreams, I do do believe in realising dreams, though.

contradictory?

I don't know, but I need to realise this "new" dream.

It will be.