the murdering. the suffering.
So, Déjà vu.
What happens after, you? I am not talking about mortality. What happens after you have become you? You know that silly thing they tell us when we are little:
You can be all you want to be?
When one is young, it makes sense, hell you want to be all you can be, all you want to be? BUT, why would you want to be?
Wait, nearly lost the plot. Here is a line I lifted off, Zeitgeist (paraphrased caused I am lazy to transcribe)
Now that I am 32 years old, I realise that I've been listening to people telling me what I could become. So I spent most of my younger years being anything I could be, except myself.
and that is the crux of this.
What happens after you've become all those things you wanted to become, surely in the plans (dreams I think we call them) you have in your mind you don't achieve these things 2 minutes from death, you achieve them at a time where you can enjoy the fruits, no?
So, what if (yes, a postulation) you decide now (or rather through a (mis)fortunate sequence of events) to become who were from birth? Is that even possible? Are we defined at birth or undefined?
I am beginning to suspect, that all my fears, are actually the things propelling my dreams. I suspect, I have ran and got lost in my dreams that, I'll follow any dream through as long as it keeps me far from the fears.
But, I do think my fears, tend to last longer than any dream I have, and when I really look at my fears they are not scary things that depend on time, but things that I ought to be doing anyway.
So, like I said, Déjà vu.
I have been here before. A few days ago, I had one. It has been months since I had one. It felt good. I love déjà vus (what's the plural of déjà vu?).
but, I think this time, I will succumb to being what I am already. We shall seek no more, unless I am proven wrong, yet again, who I am truly.
Okay, let me give you a proper transcription of that thing I paraphrased, I still like my translation, though :)
I think I spent 30 years of my life, in the first 30 trying to become something. I want to become good at things; I wanna become good at tennis; I wanna become good at school; and grades; and everything I kinda viewed in that perspective; If I', not okay with the way I am, but if I got good at things [pause] I realised I got the game wrong. The game was to find out who I already was.
Okay, it is better.