Wiki, says:
An Achilles' heel is a fatal weakness in spite of overall strength, actually or potentially leading to downfall.
and I believe I have found mine.
Ironically, that white-haired-bearded guy in the Matrix called the Architect was right:
[paraphrased]: through human suffering, our best qualities are shown.
It took a near catastrophic event to realise: through all that I have done, achieved, acquired and what not, I have actually not done anything at all.
and what is my Achilles' heel:
my ability to reason and justify anything.
the irony in that is, my greatest strength is:
my ability to reason and justify anything.
you see the flaw in my existence? When I was young, I was a genius, not because I inherited some good genes nor was I born with scientific/mathematical mind (hell, I was terrible in mathematics when I was growing up).
I was a genius, because the circumstances I was in, forced my mind to think, to find ways out, to find solutions to any given problem.
Then in later life, solutions where put in place, and thus, I had no need for the 'ability' to think harder, work quicker, I became lazy, I became consumed by own achievements.
Yesterday, I was reminded of that, I was reminded that, I have not done what I needed to do, to do more beyond myself, to achieve what my mother has narrated a million times, my destiny.
I know my prescribed destiny, I have refused it, I have denied it, I have rebelled against it, and replaced it with my own destiny.
(digression)
can a man choose his own destiny? is it still destiny if it is chosen? is not, ambition?
(end of digression)
and yesterday, was that day/night where I had to remember, that there is no I/self in my destiny.
and so, we begin, or rather, re-open that chapter we started in 1986 and continue where we left off in 2002. I have however, given myself 10 months to begin this new chapter at the least.
and that will be my state of being, human.
oh yehhhhhhhhh. lebogang nkoane...ke godile. I think one of the most important lessons I have ever learnt and accepted in the past year is that "it ain't about me". Nothing is. We focus so much on what WE/I want, that by doing that, we put so much pressure on ourselves to deliver. And then when we don't, we wonder why. The motivation is flawed you see. What I mean is, or atleast what has made me a faaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr happier person (I'm f-en happy by the way) is that I've stopped living for myself...not entirely yet. Not yet entirely, but I've started to live my life different.
You see, I find that I was less happy, sometimes even miserable because my intentions were so messed up. I wanted to please myself, to pleasure myself...thinking that I knew best you see. hahahahaha. This may sound a bit misguided, but that's probably because I can't articulate it properly...but this is the point, the moment you stop living for yourself...your wants, your needs...is the day life will be easy peasy, and things will just automatically fall into place. Its all about the path you choose to take. If you do it for yourself, you will struggle with life.
I'm amazed every single day how easy life has become. Or lets rather say, how easier it has become. So for instance, I realised that my ignoring the cleaning lady was a very selfish thing to do and refocused my energies...moved them away from the situation being about me, and made it about the cleaning lady. How does she then feel when I ignore her. She says hello to me every day with a big smile. I say hello back without much thought. What if I said hello back witha big smile, and chatted to her...asker her about her day, and how she's doing etc. What would that mean to her? What would that do for her?
The funny thing about focusing on somebody else for a minute, brings happiness to self. So suddenly, that engagement with the cleaning lady makes me feel good or whatever.
This is a very simple example. But I think you get my point.
So my moto for life nje is "IT AIN'T ABOUT YOU"
Oct 2008
and by YOU, I actually mean myself. thought I'd clear that up nje, just in case
Oct 2008